The growth and boom in the single malt industry in the last 15 years or so has given birth to the rise of the Whisky Nerd. The sort of person who knows (or thinks they know) every last detail about a distillery, or a particular bottling, or the latest industry gossip. They’ll be able to tell you which distilleries still use wormtubs; what year Laphroaig was founded; and – if you hand them a glass of anonymous whisky – they’ll sniff the glass and tell you which distillery it comes from; what its age is; and which warehouseman farted on the day the cask was filled.
They are the same people who can get very passionate if they hear you say something about whisky that they disagree with or believe to be incorrect. Fights have started and blood has been spilt over such simple opinions like which vintage release was the best ever Ardbeg! (Okay, readers, so was it the 1977 or 1974?)
So – if you’re the sort of person who likes to upset an OCD sufferer by visiting their house and tilting all of their hung pictures so that they’re crooked on the wall – here is a list of things you can say or do to annoy a Whisky Nerd:
- Pronounce it Ardberg instead of Ardbeg. (Some people believe this Islay distillery has a name not unlike that big white thing that the Titanic encountered.)
- Tell them you’ve actually been to Scotland, and you had a great time when you visited the Johnnie Walker distillery.
- Postulate that Glenmorangie invented cask-finishes before Balvenie did.
- Insist that you can’t possibly drink whisky at cask-strength, because it’s too hot and you can’t actually taste the flavour.
- Explain that you always add water to your whisky, because that’s what EVERYONE in Scotland does.
- Tell them your favourite single malt is Macallums.
- “You’re a whisky expert? Actually, I’m rather fond of Jim Beam myself!”
- “No, I don’t really like whisky. It all tastes the same to me, although I tried that Blue Label once, and it was really nice with coke”.
- Tell them your favourite Scotch is Jamesons.
- Tell them your dad has an old bottle of whisky that he’s had at the bottom of his cupboard for decades, and he’s saving it for a special occasion. When they ask what whisky it is, reply, “Umm…I think it’s Malt Mill or something like that.”
I’m sure you can think of others, and no doubt there will be some bona fide whisky nerds reading this who can share some beauties that they’ve heard over the years! Why not post them here in the comments section for all of us to enjoy?!
Cheers,
AD
PS: You might like some of our other humorous pieces…
The history of Scotch whisky in a funny four minute song!
Eight ways whisky tells you you’re getting older
The 1980’s heavy metal guide to whisky
19 rules for how to survive and get along in an online whisky group
Some more:
– Get in a circular argument over the absolute best glassware to use with whisky and stand firm on your belief that the best glass to sip whisky is that big heavy wide crystal tumbler on your mantlepiece.
– Tell them that you decant your whisky in a crystal-lead decanter. If it’s good enough for Don Draper, it’s good enough for you.
Some more:
– Insist on pouring drams of malt over ice, then boast about cupping the tumbler in the hand to release whatever aromas survive the shock cooling…
– Slurp the drams noisily over the tongue, every sip
– Recount endless stories of getting hammered over Southern Comfort
– Pronounce Islay “Is – Lei” rather than “Eye – La”
– Insist on offering you a taste of their great uncle’s moonshine hooch brewed in a garage last summer, that would be better used powering small model aircraft engines, or cleaning your lawnmower engine
– Recount interminable stories about how you hate haggis and black pudding whilst sipping drams and simultaneously chewing on mini frankfurts dipped in tomato sauce
– Sip a dram then spray-paint it on other guests
Absolutely, Drew – I think we’ve both encountered plenty of these!